I’ve been doing some thinking lately. Not going anywhere, not really speaking to anyone, I had a lot of time to “search inside.” I’ve gotten motivational emails about fear, about being better than I am right now, about feeling insignificant. All of which apply to me, and I don’t think I’d be going too far to say it applies to almost all of us.
I sat back and remembered how I felt at the end of 2011. I had just come back from my great trip and 2012 was filled with promise. These feelings usually happen at the beginning of the year. I feel like New Years is another chance to get it right. Let me tell you what other feelings I get at the beginning of the year.
Pissed, Mad, Upset, the strong urge to kick something. Weeping and gnashing of teeth. Rending garments.
Almost every year, I remember what I promised the year before and look back on the 20 pounds I didn’t lose, the happiness I didn’t find, the amount of weekends I spent in the house and get upset. I get mad that I have no one to blame but myself. I get mad that my constant, “I’ll go next week” or “I’ll do it tomorrow” turned into “Damn, it’s April already and I didn’t get it done” and “when did you need that again?”
So here’s the thing. In honor of my chalkboard wall (and one of the many reasons I painted it in the first place) I’m committing my “new state of being” to paper. Then, when my wall is dry, I’m printing it out and hanging it up. When it’s not in my face, it’s so easy to forget that I’m supposed to make every day a fruitful one, no matter how robotic it may seem. I’ve spent a lot of time saying “my days are all blending together” that it’s become true. Online from sun up to sun down (and beyond) and all I can boast is a winning score in Words With Friends, and even that doesn’t come often.
I am sharing this with you guys for selfish reasons. It’s the same reason why you don’t tell people that you’re trying to lose weight. They hold you accountable. They’ll check you when you order the limeade AND the strawberry shake at Happy Hour. And even if they don’t check you, they will secretly remember and equate your non-action with “she’s always saying stuff and never acting on it.” I like to say my word is my bond and I mostly follow through when it comes to other people, but never when I’m dealing with myself.
I won’t call this resolutions because those already have a gang load of connotations with it. What I will say is this is the “Repackaging.”
From this day forward, to the best of my ability (and as long as I remember):
1. I will seize every opportunity I find myself in. If out somewhere, I will try to make nice because I never know what connection might lead to something greater. If at an event, I will put myself out there, even at the risk of being rejected. If I’m happy with myself, this shouldn’t faze me. (I’m insecure, but that’s a diff story)
2. I will always look for the lesson. No matter how small, I have to believe that things have happened to me to teach me something. Even if it’s “I don’t mind a man that wears tube socks with dress shoes.” (yes, I do)
3. I will do my best to stop living in fear. Now, I already know this is going to be a hard one. I’m insecure as HELL about several things that just might be all in my head. It takes 28 days to form a habit and this is the one that’s going to take the most energy. I have to put myself out there (personally and professionally) in order to yield any reward.
4. I will keep my insecurities in check. I recognize that my insecurities are only mine. I know that everyone has that something that makes them question their dopeness. It might not be as simple as “they have a degree and I don’t” (that’s one of mine) but it’s there. I will not let insecurity and fear be the reason something didn’t get written, the reason I didn’t say “hi.” This is gonna take some WORK, but if something wasn’t hard work, would you appreciate it as much when you gained it?
Even Pac said he didn’t want it if it’s that easy. Yes, he was talking about the cherry box, but the statement can be applied here!
(This is turning into a long post.. Take a potty break, get some coffee/tea and come back..)
5. I will practice forgiveness. I don’t need to tell you all the scriptures, and messages from Joel Osteen and T.D. Jakes. It’s not a secret. Forgiveness releases me from being angry. It releases the hold that the transgressor has had on my happiness. I’m gonna have to write a list. Cuz boy, the more I think about it, the more this seems like work. Me and God are gonna have to work this one out.
6. I will try not to let my scars be so visible. Yes, I’ve been hurt. And I try to treat everyone as if they’re starting the first day of school with an “A” in class. Key word is “try.” I don’t always succeed. Sometimes, if something reminds me of a duck I encountered once, I’ll just think “oh, they’re a duck” and treat them accordingly. This doesn’t always happen, but I will do a better job of treating people based on their own merits.
7. I will be the type of person I would want to date. In every way.
8. I won’t insult your intelligence. My girl Max and I once had a conversation about our blogs. (This was a while back). We agreed that when a blogger isn’t giving their 100%, you can just tell. There’s something that comes through. It’s like a scent that can only be smelled by readers. When I came back from vacation, I felt energized with the blog. I tried to do better and even title my posts better. I still find myself waiting til the last minute to write. I still haven’t been motivated to overhaul the behind the scenes things that would make my page easier to navigate. And I’m sorry. You might not notice it, but I do. And it’s like I was insulting your intelligence. I’m really sorry.
(Ya’ll should see this word count. I’d like to think this is fast reading.)
9. I will treat myself and my body better. This means exercising. This means keeping my food as natural as possible. This means cooking even when I don’t feel like it. I want to be able to wear heels because the circulation in my legs is fine. I want to be able to drop it low because my knees are feeling alright. This “metabolism after 30″ struggle is real. This means I will continue to eat tangerines instead of ice cream. I must also know that every now and then, I deserve a cheat because I worked hard for it. Sorry, but that “non ice cream life” just ain’t for me.
10. I will show my gratitude. To those on earth and Him above. I will show (and tell) just how much I appreciate you. If I call you “friend” please know your membership to that club didn’t come easily. But also know, that means if you’re ever hungry, and I have it, I will give you money to get your own plate. Because umm, I’m not sharing.
an aside: if I’m not home and my mother wants to eat something of mine, she will call me to ask if it’s okay. I think this is so cute, yet, I’m worried I’ve struck fear in her heart with the way I act about my foodstuffs.
11. If I’m not 100% pleased with it, I will stop doing it. I’ve already implemented this one. If I am not 100% happy with what I’m eating, I will stop eating. If I find myself saying “Nick, WHAT are you watching?” or “You saw this season of Top Model already.” I will turn off the tv. I look at it this way. Whoever I’m watching on tv has already got their check. My watching them doesn’t help me get my check. I can admit I often want to escape reality by getting lost in a show, but that doesn’t change the fact that once the show is over, reality is still there. It is still my reality. And the fact that I laughed at Ross and Rachel and the “we were on a break” argument doesn’t change that. That’s just another 30 minutes in which I didn’t find a pic for my post. I’d like to do better.
I’m sure there’s MANY (many many many) more, but I’ll leave the floor to some of you. If you had to repackage yourself, what would you change? How do you think you can be better than you are right now? Do we think I am watching too many Lifeclasses on OWN? All we have are these moments. The minutes that became hours and days. We turn around and all of a sudden it’s another Saturday. Then all of a sudden I’m 37 yrs old still scared my writing isn’t good enough.
I need to start today, because honestly…
I ain’t got that kinda time….