I’ve been doing some thinking lately. Not going anywhere, not really speaking to anyone, I had a lot of time to “search inside.” I’ve gotten motivational emails about fear, about being better than I am right now, about feeling insignificant. All of which apply to me, and I don’t think I’d be going too far to say it applies to almost all of us.
I sat back and remembered how I felt at the end of 2011. I had just come back from my great trip and 2012 was filled with promise. These feelings usually happen at the beginning of the year. I feel like New Years is another chance to get it right. Let me tell you what other feelings I get at the beginning of the year.
Pissed, Mad, Upset, the strong urge to kick something. Weeping and gnashing of teeth. Rending garments.
Almost every year, I remember what I promised the year before and look back on the 20 pounds I didn’t lose, the happiness I didn’t find, the amount of weekends I spent in the house and get upset. I get mad that I have no one to blame but myself. I get mad that my constant, “I’ll go next week” or “I’ll do it tomorrow” turned into “Damn, it’s April already and I didn’t get it done” and “when did you need that again?”
So here’s the thing. In honor of my chalkboard wall (and one of the many reasons I painted it in the first place) I’m committing my “new state of being” to paper. Then, when my wall is dry, I’m printing it out and hanging it up. When it’s not in my face, it’s so easy to forget that I’m supposed to make every day a fruitful one, no matter how robotic it may seem. I’ve spent a lot of time saying “my days are all blending together” that it’s become true. Online from sun up to sun down (and beyond) and all I can boast is a winning score in Words With Friends, and even that doesn’t come often.
- confession: I picked this pic cuz she had mucho hair.. AND she’s wearing my uniform..
I am sharing this with you guys for selfish reasons. It’s the same reason why you don’t tell people that you’re trying to lose weight. They hold you accountable. They’ll check you when you order the limeade AND the strawberry shake at Happy Hour. And even if they don’t check you, they will secretly remember and equate your non-action with “she’s always saying stuff and never acting on it.” I like to say my word is my bond and I mostly follow through when it comes to other people, but never when I’m dealing with myself.
I won’t call this resolutions because those already have a gang load of connotations with it. What I will say is this is the “Repackaging.”
From this day forward, to the best of my ability (and as long as I remember):
1. I will seize every opportunity I find myself in. If out somewhere, I will try to make nice because I never know what connection might lead to something greater. If at an event, I will put myself out there, even at the risk of being rejected. If I’m happy with myself, this shouldn’t faze me. (I’m insecure, but that’s a diff story)
2. I will always look for the lesson. No matter how small, I have to believe that things have happened to me to teach me something. Even if it’s “I don’t mind a man that wears tube socks with dress shoes.” (yes, I do)
3. I will do my best to stop living in fear. Now, I already know this is going to be a hard one. I’m insecure as HELL about several things that just might be all in my head. It takes 28 days to form a habit and this is the one that’s going to take the most energy. I have to put myself out there (personally and professionally) in order to yield any reward.
4. I will keep my insecurities in check. I recognize that my insecurities are only mine. I know that everyone has that something that makes them question their dopeness. It might not be as simple as “they have a degree and I don’t” (that’s one of mine) but it’s there. I will not let insecurity and fear be the reason something didn’t get written, the reason I didn’t say “hi.” This is gonna take some WORK, but if something wasn’t hard work, would you appreciate it as much when you gained it?
Even Pac said he didn’t want it if it’s that easy. Yes, he was talking about the cherry box, but the statement can be applied here!
(This is turning into a long post.. Take a potty break, get some coffee/tea and come back..)
5. I will practice forgiveness. I don’t need to tell you all the scriptures, and messages from Joel Osteen and T.D. Jakes. It’s not a secret. Forgiveness releases me from being angry. It releases the hold that the transgressor has had on my happiness. I’m gonna have to write a list. Cuz boy, the more I think about it, the more this seems like work. Me and God are gonna have to work this one out.
6. I will try not to let my scars be so visible. Yes, I’ve been hurt. And I try to treat everyone as if they’re starting the first day of school with an “A” in class. Key word is “try.” I don’t always succeed. Sometimes, if something reminds me of a duck I encountered once, I’ll just think “oh, they’re a duck” and treat them accordingly. This doesn’t always happen, but I will do a better job of treating people based on their own merits.
7. I will be the type of person I would want to date. In every way.
8. I won’t insult your intelligence. My girl Max and I once had a conversation about our blogs. (This was a while back). We agreed that when a blogger isn’t giving their 100%, you can just tell. There’s something that comes through. It’s like a scent that can only be smelled by readers. When I came back from vacation, I felt energized with the blog. I tried to do better and even title my posts better. I still find myself waiting til the last minute to write. I still haven’t been motivated to overhaul the behind the scenes things that would make my page easier to navigate. And I’m sorry. You might not notice it, but I do. And it’s like I was insulting your intelligence. I’m really sorry.
(Ya’ll should see this word count. I’d like to think this is fast reading.)
9. I will treat myself and my body better. This means exercising. This means keeping my food as natural as possible. This means cooking even when I don’t feel like it. I want to be able to wear heels because the circulation in my legs is fine. I want to be able to drop it low because my knees are feeling alright. This “metabolism after 30″ struggle is real. This means I will continue to eat tangerines instead of ice cream. I must also know that every now and then, I deserve a cheat because I worked hard for it. Sorry, but that “non ice cream life” just ain’t for me.
10. I will show my gratitude. To those on earth and Him above. I will show (and tell) just how much I appreciate you. If I call you “friend” please know your membership to that club didn’t come easily. But also know, that means if you’re ever hungry, and I have it, I will give you money to get your own plate. Because umm, I’m not sharing.
an aside: if I’m not home and my mother wants to eat something of mine, she will call me to ask if it’s okay. I think this is so cute, yet, I’m worried I’ve struck fear in her heart with the way I act about my foodstuffs.
11. If I’m not 100% pleased with it, I will stop doing it. I’ve already implemented this one. If I am not 100% happy with what I’m eating, I will stop eating. If I find myself saying “Nick, WHAT are you watching?” or “You saw this season of Top Model already.” I will turn off the tv. I look at it this way. Whoever I’m watching on tv has already got their check. My watching them doesn’t help me get my check. I can admit I often want to escape reality by getting lost in a show, but that doesn’t change the fact that once the show is over, reality is still there. It is still my reality. And the fact that I laughed at Ross and Rachel and the “we were on a break” argument doesn’t change that. That’s just another 30 minutes in which I didn’t find a pic for my post. I’d like to do better.
I’m sure there’s MANY (many many many) more, but I’ll leave the floor to some of you. If you had to repackage yourself, what would you change? How do you think you can be better than you are right now? Do we think I am watching too many Lifeclasses on OWN? All we have are these moments. The minutes that became hours and days. We turn around and all of a sudden it’s another Saturday. Then all of a sudden I’m 37 yrs old still scared my writing isn’t good enough.
I need to start today, because honestly…
I ain’t got that kinda time….
Nick.
Outside of getting back in shape I’m in the process of repackaging my work ethic and usage of time. I have goals and duties but I’m just working on not having to push myself to do them.
Time management is a HUGE issue for me. It’s the reason I had to-do lists for each day.. I’m not disciplined with my time at all.. and once it’s lost, you can’t get it back..
I have the same 24 hours a day as Oprah, Angel Laws (the ConcreteLoop woman) and various other people I would like to emulate. Knowing I haven’t accomplished anything while they’re out there making money, connections, and change.. That fact makes me upset with myself..
It’s the same reason why you don’t tell people that you’re trying to lose weight. They hold you accountable
girrrrrl. i have enlisted an accountability partner. i need some one to check me on my shit. when i say im going to do something, i NEED to do it. and getting judgmental side eyes and “ummm Gem, wtf you doin?” comments to help motivate me to keep it up. its really helped A LOT. we try to email each other weekly with our progress and what we need help with. its refreshing to have some one hold you accountable when you are likely to not hold yourself accountable.
i wish you all the best in your repackaging boo. im constantly doing the same.
*hugs*
When we were #TeamOatmeal, I felt this way.. Ray would keep me in check when I said I was eating nuggets.. Hearing everyone else’s progress was sometimes the only way I got off my wagon and worked out.. There was a feeling of “they can’t outdo me like that” which is how I know not having a workout partner is crippling me..
However, I don’t like being a burden to other people, which is why I don’t want to ask for an accountability partner.. It’s a lot of work to put on someone else.. I should care enough about myself to be able to do it.. But yeah, when mom brings home a box of Wheat Thins, or calls to ask what I want from Wendys.. It’s hard to say “nothing..”
It’s a lot of work to put on someone else..
i feel you, but if you think of it in terms of the body of Christ – we are all supposed to help support each other and work TOGETHER. how can you work together if one part is falling off??
my church strongly encourages accountability partners in various aspects of your life – esp when it comes to relationships. and ever since i embraced the idea, its been extremely helpful for me.
you shouldnt think of it as a burden. it can be hard to keep up – life has a way of getting in the way smh. but if both ppl are committed to the cause, it works out beautifully
Thank you Gem.. My friend count has been a little scant lately.. but what you’re saying makes perfect sense.. Thank you for reminding me.. xoxo
i have goals that i want to reach that i’ve slacked off on. thanks for the motivation!!! i hope you stick with yours and push through. great post.
Thanks Tunde.. it gets easy to forget all the great plans we had for ourselves when “life and living” gets in the way.. I hope you reach your goals.. We all deserve that feeling of “I did it and I’m dope as f*** because I did..” I really couldn’t think of a better way to put it..
“It’s the same reason why you don’t tell people that you’re trying to lose weight. They hold you accountable”
YES. Ain’t this scary as hayle?! Putting things out there to folks (and the universe) does hold you accountable for actually following through. As scary as this is, I think doing so helped me. I’ve sent out emails to folks to hold me accountable for my writing and it led me to my 3rd script. I ain’t even mad! I realized I need that and that it helps me. So, I’mma revel in my mock-agents for a while!
you’re right!! it sucks because I’ll ask for the accountability, then when people get too “in my face” I get a little defensive.. “YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!!” I really just need to own my weakness and know that people are around me to help..
Great post and best of luck!
Some things I’m working on:
Speaking up for myself…I’m not a confrontational person, so if it’s not blatant disrespect I tend to let things slide (like if I’m not happy with my meal for example).
Stop being so hard on myself…I’m my own worst critic.
Staying present….Enjoying the moment and not worrying how I will pay this bill or that, when will I be able to have my own place…etc. At times I’m 5,000 steps ahead and it takes away from my enjoyment.
Thanks for your encouragement..
and GIRL!! I didn’t know you had a problem speaking up for yourself!! You betta STOP!!
We all beat ourselves up.. I think it’s just what we do.. I’m wondering if it comes from a place of “I know I’m better than this, so why won’t I be better than this?”
We’ve discussed this in my money issues post.. Yes, I’m trying to be more present too.. There’s certain “looking ahead” I have to do considering I don’t work, but I can’t cripple myself so much with plans of the future that I don’t enjoy the “now..” And GIRL! “YOLO has been my motto since we got together that weekend!! I’m trying not to go broke using it, but still! It’s a good reminder..
Great post! I understand the thought process that you have right now. I just made a decision to go off my planned path and I couldn’t be happier. I hope you keep us informed of your progress! good luck with your goals
Thank you for your encouragement mseva!!
Going off the planned path and putting yourself out there has to be a scary feeling.. but it’s almost an exhilarating scary feeling.. Like when I used to shoplift and was scared I’d get caught.. (I was young, don’t judge me.. Lol)
Finally having a chance to comment, this DIDN’T look so long when I was reading it from my phone…TRICKED.
THIS LIST IS AWESOME! It’s a lot! The ones that stick out to me the most and I definitely feel I need to adopt are:
1) Seizing opportunities , 3) Stop living in Fear 10) Showing my gratitude.
This is a BIG list. Don’t get overwhelmed especially if you find difficulty in accomplishing one to absolute perfection. My words are ridic. I need to go to bed. Great post as always.
I do have an issue with trying to complete things to absolute perfection.. If I can’t give my 100%, I don’t start.. That usually keeps me from starting anything at all…
And yes, I kept typing and was all >_- when I saw the word count.. It was out of control!!
Good Luck in whichever way you choose to embrace your own growth.. However we choose to approach it.. Looking at the big picture can overwhelm me and make me forget to appreciate the little victories..
Great post!
Our friends are there to help be better. If not, they aren’t your friends.
There will be stumbles and obstacles – but celebrate the small successes along the way and you’ll get there!
Good luck!
Thank you T!
*pinches the 20lbs Nick wants to lose and gives the side eye* iKid!
I’ve also felt really scattered all over the place lately – for some reason it never occurred to me to write down a solid goal list to get it together. Thanks for the inspiration!
aww, you’re welcome!!
girl.. you can pinch it, but you might never see yo fingers again!! LOL! My stomach is like the Pillbury Doughboy’s..
This was inspired by the chalkboard wall I painted.. I was waiting for it to dry and couldn’t write on it yet.. I’m hoping being able to have my goals (and blog ideas) in front of me like that will inspire me to stay on track..
I like Maroon 5′s song “Sunday Morning.” but the lyric that sticks out to me is “things can get so crazy, living life gets hard to do.” I often think of my life like this. I don’t know how the people with jobs do it!