A Father Figure….. or lack thereof

Can we just say that when Nick starts thinking, it’s not always a good thing. Sometimes, I come up with great ideas for posts, other times I give myself anxiety attacks by thinking about the future. I’ve had way too much time to think lately.

I think part of this growing up and getting older business is the quest to be better. At least it is for me. I always want to feel like I’m moving forward. Trying to be better than I was yesterday and other revelations that get tweeted into my timeline while people are watching Oprah’s Lifeclass.

I was woken up one morning by my phone ringing. The number was “unavailable” but I answered it anyway.

    “Nicola?”

    I sat up groggily and rubbed my eyes, “Uncle George?”

    “No, it’s your father.”

   “Oh……..”

     I didn’t know what to say or how to act. He knows nothing about who I am now. Or how him leaving (and mollywhopping my mother) have affected me. How I remember his last words being “if you become a hooker I will kill you.” He issued the same promise to my brother if he became gay. I became the typical girl in high school, seeking acceptance to make up for the fact that my father was gone. I heard through the grapevine that he’d moved back to Jamaica some years ago, living on his father’s farm. I also knew that because he’d gotten in trouble while in the states, he wouldn’t be able to come back. So scratch him coming to my wedding (whenever that happens) off the list. Also, because of my situation, I can’t get to Jamaica to see him. He snuck himself out of the country like he was ashamed. Whether he was ashamed of what he became or ashamed of what he was leaving behind, I don’t know.

this, we were not..

   He can’t be mad at me because I didn’t recognize his voice. Although I’m sure that no man, no matter the relationship wants to be called another man’s name., it’s not something I did spitefully. I hadn’t heard from him in years, he was lucky I even answered the phone.

   For the first 8 years of my life, I’d like to think I was a daddy’s girl. Although all I really remember is him taking me to the race track. It wasn’t so much for the bonding experience as I was the tool he would use to lure in women. I was the cute daughter with the afro puffs that made him more appealing. I hate this memory. I’m  disgusted by it.

   Early last year, I realized I wanted to forgive him. I realize that I might be the only example of Jesus that my father will experience. I want to absolve him of all the crap before anything happens to him. I don’t want to add this situation to my list of lifelong regrets. I know I’ll never be able to forgive myself if I don’t take care of it while I can.

   The day I left for DC, I remember speaking to my aunt while waiting for my connection at the bus terminal. She said that my father wasn’t raised with love. She wasn’t excusing his behavior, but when you don’t know love as a child, how can you expect to give it as an adult? She told me his mother doesn’t claim him and that his father (my grandfather) treats him like a worker and not like a son. He calls my aunt asking if she can send him money. Mind you, I think my father in in his 60′s. I sat in the bus terminal and cried for him.

I’m sad. I’m mad at the years I can’t get back. I’m pissed at him running back to Jamaica instead of staying and trying to teach my brother some things. I’m mad that, at 10 years old, I had to pick up where he left off and become “the man of the house.” Working when I should’ve been able to be a child and irresponsibly carefree. I want to forgive him, but everything in me cries out for justice. I’m not the type to literally try to hurt him the way he hurt me, but I don’t think about him in an effort to not think about rectifying the situation. Meanwhile, everything else in me wants to cry for him. I want to send him $20 and a card to let him know that this grown ass woman still cries thinking about the father that left. The man that I should be able to count on never looked back as he packed his bags. How the feeling of “not good enough” is so prevalent I spend time trying to not let it plague me.

   I’m angry. I’m pissed and I’m hurt. And I’d like to think that I’m better than these negative feelings, but right now I’m not. Sometimes I think the feelings run too deep to start unearthing now. All I can do is sit back and hope and pray that my children don’t know this feeling. I don’t want this to be the family curse I have to live with. Why do I have to be the adult while all these grown ass people act like children? I’m tired of being responsible and trying to mend broken relationships with people that didn’t think twice before the connection was severed. I shouldn’t have to come out the woodwork to have my father want to talk to me. How can you be a man, know you have children out there in the world and not care? That’s bull.

   And I’m annoyed with myself for wanting to make it right.

It would be easier to be a bitch and chuck the deuces…

  I hate everything about this situation…

   That’s all… Nick

been too much talk about daddies this week, I’m done for now…

 

9 thoughts on “A Father Figure….. or lack thereof

  1. Funny you picked Will Smith’s picture, because I was thinking of “Just the Two of Us” when he says “Let God deal with the things they do, because hate in your heart will consume you too.”

    Frankly, I don’t think you should try to mend the broken relationship. I’ve just witnessed in cause more chaos in friends’ families that if they would have left it alone. Don’t let his negativity drag you down

      • Thank you for your words.. I HATE having to be the grown up in this situation.. But I KNOW I will be mad with myself if I don’t at least try..

        THanks for the hug.. And I’m sorry about your father..

  2. Hey Nick! So sad that you have to face such a decision on whether or not you should be the one to mend this broken relationship. Believe me when I tell you that there are plenty of little girls living inside grown women who is still hurting because their father’s abandoned them. They are still crying out, but I say forgive and free yourself.

    • Nissi!!!

      Hey baby!! I’m so glad you left a comment.. *throws welcome confetti*

      Knowing what I know, I’m gonna have to make contact.. At this point, I think he might be scared to be the one to call me.. You know, the longer it goes on, the bigger the initial conversation seems to be.. I gotta let it go.. I KNOW it’s gonna affect me later on..

  3. I’ve been reading but not responding, but I wish I could give you a hug. I know what it’s like not to have a father around, but he died, he didn’t walk out on us. I think that’s a different kind of pain to know he had the choice to be around and didn’t choose you. I’m sorry. Being the bigger person is the best option. You’ll regret being the bitch (but you know that already).

  4. Its funny how God puts you in the path of strangers to know that “you are not alone”. I believe that you are the exact age if I remember you age correctly when I was hit with all of these same emotions about my dad. I want to assure you that there is no condemnation in God. I had to forgive myself for feeling bad for how I felt about my dad first. Not because I had the feelings but because I would torture myself about it. Then I had to ask God to help me forgive my dad. Once I did that and it took a while because I wanted to hold on to the anger – I was free. I was free to love him on my own terms. Free to even start a new relationship and see him as a man and not my dad because after all he is just a man. Once that happened I was able to love him because I no longer had no expectations of him. Its not easy but I am here to tell you its possible. I could tell you so much but won’t kill your comments. Praying with you!

    • Thank you so much Nina.. I really needed this one.. I pretty much want to live transparently because if I can get help (or give help) to someone out there with a similar issue, then why wouldn’t I?? You know, this situation makes me scared. I’m scared of the work it’ll take.. I’m scared that I don’t know where to start.. then again, someone told me the fact I say anything would be more than he expects/deserves.. so I’ll just start there.. I’m gonna copy and paste your comment.. I need to hang it somewhere..

  5. hey nick. we’ve talked a little about this face-to-face so i have some grasp on how hard this whole situation is on you.

    i think your top priority and obligation is to forgive. that is what God asks of us – to forgive those who wrong us, and show love and compassion. that said, i dont think you have to “mend” your broken relationship with your dad in order to forgive him and love him. that would require both you and him to both actively work at rebuilding, and i think you would beat yourself up if he didnt live up to his end of this. and thats out of your control. you can only control you.

    will mending this relationship make you feel better? will it erase all thats happened in the past? will this make you view men and marriage and parenting differently? probably not. would it be awesome to start fresh and build while only looking forward? yes. but again, there is still room for disappointment if he doesnt live up to your expectations.

    i wish you well on your quest at some peace and comfort. i truly believe it starts with YOU liberating yourself of the guilt and hurt by loving 1st, forgiving second, and saying “what will be will be” third. anything else is just extra.

    *hugs*

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