and rain.. Joy and Pain..
Unless you’ve been under a rock for the past decade, Florida hasn’t been having the “Best Millennium Ever.” Yes, I’m still reeling from the 2000 Presidential Election and from the general “slackness” that resulted in a terrorist from the 9/11 attacks learning how to fly down the street from my house. I’m THROWN from the Trayvon Martin case and am beside myself about this zombie story (although I predicted that bish). I’m freaked out with Florida right now, and needless to say, other states are feeling the same way. They want to drop Florida from the 50 states. We’re not even considered part of the south. We’re in a class all our own. Not spanish enough for Latin America, not american enough to be considered southern. Florida, I feel your pain.
BUT, Florida is where I live. It’s like that ratchet aunt I’m related to. NO ONE wants to really claim her BUT she’s still family.
With the “worst year ever” that Florida has been having, I don’t want to kick the state while it’s down. And while I thank my friends for saying they’ll give me evacuation notice if Florida should be like the Titanic and sink, I still want to offer up some reasons why you can’t get rid of this great peninsula just yet. Before you send the planes to bomb Lake Okeechobee just hear me out.
1. We care about the weather so much we give you several options, all in the same day.
This past weekend, I was driving in some rain. The DJ on the radio said “drive 5 miles, or wait 5 minutes and it’ll all be over.” This is the truth. Invariably, you’ll be stuck in traffic in a rainstorm. This will make you late to work after you’ve gotten over the fear of your car hydroplaning on the flyover. BUT, give it a minute, the sun will come out. No, it won’t come out tomorrow, that’s for those other states, we’re so dope it comes out in the same hour! I think I should warn you tho, the sun will ALWAYS come out after you’ve already gotten wet and/or your hair couldn’t fight it anymore and you look like a wet dog.
2. We support the economy.
Let me explain. You CANNOT really survive in South Florida without a car. This is not NY or DC where the transit system works in your favor. This is NOT a bustling city where you can walk the distance and be so caught up in all the sights you didn’t even notice the miles. The transit system will automatically add 2+ hours to any errand you are trying to run.
So what do we do? WE BUY CARS! We buy cars because it’s the simplest, fastest way to get us where we need to go. Cars are made in Detroit! We keep these jobs here son! How can you not love that!? Then again, since we can be a land of “look at me, I’m so fancy” I’m almost positive a good percentage of the cars bought down here are foreign. Nobody is saying “Look at my Buick.” BUT, we’re keeping car salesmen employed! And THAT’S keeping the American Dream alive and well!
Don’t forget all the gas we have to buy either. (I’m just sayin)
3. We make you look good.
As I stated before, Florida serves as the background for some ratchet behavior. There’s Basketball Wives (and the reunions), Love & Hip Hop, Memorial Day and South Beach. (sigh) Nothing says “damn I feel good about my life” like examining yourself against the stories that come out of this blessed land. Nothing says “I’m so glad I don’t live there” like witnessing a grown woman toss a drink at another woman. It’s like getting a ”C’s” on your report card and measuring it against your brother, who brought home “F’s.” You look like a SUPERSTAR!! A smart superstar too!! We’re here boosting your self esteem. Which must be great for the black race (ain’t it doe?)
4. We’re unifying the country.
Nothing brings people closer together than having a common enemy. If it must be done, it must be done. Florida has so willingly fallen on the sword and declared itself the enemy of the other 49 states. It’s because as a whole, we foresee what can happen if the other states came together. To conserve all the energy spent arguing topics on a state level, Florida just said “I’ll give you a reason to love each other” and then proceeds to do something so COMPLETELY off the wall that you can’t help but hold hands, sing “Kumbaya” and shake your collective heads! It’s like you’re in a relationship and Florida said, “You can blame it all on me, tonight.”
That’s love.
All I’m saying is, don’t give up on us just yet. We just wanna love you, the best that we can. However, I’m sure there is a hormonal imbalance that makes Florida think that it’s been putting its best face forward these past few months. You know that friend that could REALLY be a great friend if they just pulled their act together? That’s Florida.
We love you tho. And you’re welcome at any time.
So the magic question is… Do we get to stay???? Will you claim us? Don’t leave us out here, all sad and hanging off the bottom of the map..
- I’m asking nicely…..
How about you? If your state was going to get kicked out of the 50, what would possibly be the reasons why? Nowhere is perfect, but DAMN if Florida doesn’t make it easy to be disliked. But now that I’ve shown you the positives, how can you not love us?
That’s all I’m sayin…
Peace and Love, Nick
From Pennsylvania where our old people leave to retire, where our bank robbers go to hide and we all dream about the weather. I ain’t mad at cha’ Florida although that rapper by the same name is a bit annoying Flo rida? Really? Keep Florida in the union…its my jump off to Jamaica and for that I love ya.
Welcome!! *tosses confetti*
Flo Rida is proof that not all dreams should be realized.. I feel like people who move to Florida should be warned that there aren’t any good concerts.. We wait so long to get good music down here..
Yes, being close to the islands is GREAT!!!
We (South Carolina) have never been kicked out but we did excuse ourselves a few years back, prior to the Late Coming Unpleasantness.
If we were asked to leave the 52 (Israel and D.C. count) these may be the reasons why:
1. Stone stupid- We aren’t as bad as other states but we often just show our stupid at the wrong times.
2. Some political figure would say something hateful about the president. Hell if they call our own governor a rag-head what do you think they’ll call Barack.
3. We’re like a bad Tennessee Williams play, except there’s a lot of black people.
On the positive side we aren’t Indiana, Texas, Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, or West Virginia.
1. it sounds like south carolina is that really outrageous black person that you have to answer for.. you have rip offer up disclaimers and say things like “not all of us are like that..”
2. I never understood the “i don’t support him, I hope he fails” mentality.. my mother’s friend was taking like that when Obama won.. him failing would be the whole country failing.. WHY would you wish that? oh ye mighty republican that loves your country so much?
I can’t get with people that don’t make sense..
are any of the other states you mentioned worse than Florida??
1 Depending on the person speaking SC is either Larry the Cable Guy or a basketball wife.
2. They don’t understand how democracy and success works obviously. Hell outside of the dude who made the rag-head comment I think most of these Republicans thing Nicki Haley is a Cherokee instead of a Sikh.
All of those places are worse than Florida. Maybe not Texas but the rest…
sorry nick. your reasons to keep florida is like putting tyrion lannister on one side of a see-saw and putting gabourey sidibe on the other side; it just doesn’t balance out.
weather? y’all have hurricanes that destroy homes. i’m good on that. not having a good transportation system? after living in nashville i’m good on that. plus going green is the way of the future. y’all are contributing to green house gases. i can make the argument that those shows actually make us look bad.
the only argument you get is unifying the country….in sawing off the peninsula of florida and making it into an island. i’ve been said that the caribbean can have florida.
but thanks nick for giving me three more reasons to hate florida.
)))
I’m fully aware such logic is a stretch.. I was just trying to make the glass half full..
1. every time a hurricane comes thru there is a conversation that happens about where we would live instead.. when we think about it, the plus with hurricanes is that we can see them coming.. we can get out of harm’s way.. when we compare it to earthquakes and tornadoes, even tsunamis,a lost home is sizeably different than a lost life… and blizzards just seem cruel…..
2. yes, I know about the green lifestyle that we’re not contributing to.. but considering we have a Republican Everything, and republicans feel that what’s happening to the planet is just a myth, I’m pretty positive this isn’t seen as an issue.. I actually live green as much as possible and yes, this does irk me.. but asking the idiot in the Lambourghini to give it up for a bike is not gonna happen.. especially when it’s so hot outside..
3. and be easy on saying the caribbean can have us.. last I heard, Jamaica had problems of their own and can’t take on anything else..
We can keep Florida. Now Arizona, on the other hand…