Unless you’ve been under a rock for the past decade, Florida hasn’t been having the “Best Millennium Ever.” Yes, I’m still reeling from the 2000 Presidential Election and from the general “slackness” that resulted in a terrorist from the 9/11 attacks learning how to fly down the street from my house. I’m THROWN from the Trayvon Martin case and am beside myself about this zombie story (although I predicted that bish). I’m freaked out with Florida right now, and needless to say, other states are feeling the same way. They want to drop Florida from the 50 states. We’re not even considered part of the south. We’re in a class all our own. Not spanish enough for Latin America, not american enough to be considered southern. Florida, I feel your pain.
BUT, Florida is where I live. It’s like that ratchet aunt I’m related to. NO ONE wants to really claim her BUT she’s still family.
With the “worst year ever” that Florida has been having, I don’t want to kick the state while it’s down. And while I thank my friends for saying they’ll give me evacuation notice if Florida should be like the Titanic and sink, I still want to offer up some reasons why you can’t get rid of this great peninsula just yet. Before you send the planes to bomb Lake Okeechobee just hear me out.
1. We care about the weather so much we give you several options, all in the same day.
This past weekend, I was driving in some rain. The DJ on the radio said “drive 5 miles, or wait 5 minutes and it’ll all be over.” This is the truth. Invariably, you’ll be stuck in traffic in a rainstorm. This will make you late to work after you’ve gotten over the fear of your car hydroplaning on the flyover. BUT, give it a minute, the sun will come out. No, it won’t come out tomorrow, that’s for those other states, we’re so dope it comes out in the same hour! I think I should warn you tho, the sun will ALWAYS come out after you’ve already gotten wet and/or your hair couldn’t fight it anymore and you look like a wet dog.
2. We support the economy.
Let me explain. You CANNOT really survive in South Florida without a car. This is not NY or DC where the transit system works in your favor. This is NOT a bustling city where you can walk the distance and be so caught up in all the sights you didn’t even notice the miles. The transit system will automatically add 2+ hours to any errand you are trying to run.
So what do we do? WE BUY CARS! We buy cars because it’s the simplest, fastest way to get us where we need to go. Cars are made in Detroit! We keep these jobs here son! How can you not love that!? Then again, since we can be a land of “look at me, I’m so fancy” I’m almost positive a good percentage of the cars bought down here are foreign. Nobody is saying “Look at my Buick.” BUT, we’re keeping car salesmen employed! And THAT’S keeping the American Dream alive and well!
Don’t forget all the gas we have to buy either. (I’m just sayin)
3. We make you look good.
As I stated before, Florida serves as the background for some ratchet behavior. There’s Basketball Wives (and the reunions), Love & Hip Hop, Memorial Day and South Beach. (sigh) Nothing says “damn I feel good about my life” like examining yourself against the stories that come out of this blessed land. Nothing says “I’m so glad I don’t live there” like witnessing a grown woman toss a drink at another woman. It’s like getting a ”C’s” on your report card and measuring it against your brother, who brought home “F’s.” You look like a SUPERSTAR!! A smart superstar too!! We’re here boosting your self esteem. Which must be great for the black race (ain’t it doe?)
4. We’re unifying the country.
Nothing brings people closer together than having a common enemy. If it must be done, it must be done. Florida has so willingly fallen on the sword and declared itself the enemy of the other 49 states. It’s because as a whole, we foresee what can happen if the other states came together. To conserve all the energy spent arguing topics on a state level, Florida just said “I’ll give you a reason to love each other” and then proceeds to do something so COMPLETELY off the wall that you can’t help but hold hands, sing “Kumbaya” and shake your collective heads! It’s like you’re in a relationship and Florida said, “You can blame it all on me, tonight.”
All I’m saying is, don’t give up on us just yet. We just wanna love you, the best that we can. However, I’m sure there is a hormonal imbalance that makes Florida think that it’s been putting its best face forward these past few months. You know that friend that could REALLY be a great friend if they just pulled their act together? That’s Florida.
We love you tho. And you’re welcome at any time.
So the magic question is… Do we get to stay???? Will you claim us? Don’t leave us out here, all sad and hanging off the bottom of the map..
How about you? If your state was going to get kicked out of the 50, what would possibly be the reasons why? Nowhere is perfect, but DAMN if Florida doesn’t make it easy to be disliked. But now that I’ve shown you the positives, how can you not love us?
That’s all I’m sayin…
Peace and Love, Nick