There are some things that I shouldn’t have to tell you. I sometimes take for granted the things that I feel people should automatically know. Every now and then, I forget that common sense isn’t common. In this world of mayhem and general “run amokness” I have appointed myself ambassador of “ish you should know, but I will tell you anyway.”
I’ve been in a few serious relationships in my life. I mean, where people actually called me their girlfriend and everyone knew their roles. However, it seems like when things have to come to an end, somehow, the extraction process becomes a little hard for the dude that was involved with me. I can understand it. It becomes difficult knowing how to cut ties (and keep them cut) and defining other roles (and behavior) if you two have decided to try and stay in each other’s lives.
BUT, for those of you that still need the crash course, I am fully prepared to give you the list of privileges that get revoked once you let me go:
Disclaimer: Some of these are no brainers, but I’ve dealt with some that have no brain. [pause]
1. Go home:
Once we are no longer together, you lose access to my home. Do not ask if you can come by after a certain hour as I do not want to have to kick you out if you get sleepy. Don’t call me on the way home from the club and want to take a “quick nap” because my house is closer than yours. You should’ve realized your limitations at the club and left earlier to ensure that you made it home safely. I need you to act like my house doesn’t exist. Act like my mother has a strict “no drifter” policy. Aside from the obvious side effects of this action, I don’t want to have to figure out what to do with you in the morning when you’re still asleep (because you were out late) and I’m up and wanna get you gone. “‘Uncomfortable,’ table for one. ‘Uncomfortable,’ your table is ready.”
Get cho ass home.
2. Exhibit phone etiquette:
Depending on how our relationship ended, it’s possible that I don’t want to talk to you right away. Don’t be callin me too soon after as I probably don’t want to speak to you. I’m thinking that if we were together, and now we’re not, I don’t want to do the “I miss you” phone calls. It was cute when I was in my 20′s, and I could do the weepy, “I miss you too” and such, but now, I’m wondering what you’re trying to prove. Don’t be too fast trying to figure out this friendship thing. And for damn sure, don’t force it. If we’re gonna be cool, then it’ll happen naturally. But I most likely will be hitting “ignore” a few times if you call. And don’t be callin me at weird hours either.
3. I’m busy.
You don’t have easy access to me anymore. I know this should go without saying, but you’d be surprised how people wanna “do what we used to do” when inquiring about my weekend/night activities. No, I will not push my things to the side to lay around all day and “hang out.” It’s a definite certainty that other things are more important that you now. You now have to get fit into a schedule where you are not a priority. Deal with it.
4. Do I have to say it?
We’re over and done with. I know it’ll be harder for you than it is for me. But you’re gonna have to take your horniness somewhere else. It’s not that I don’t want sex. It’s not that I became a robot. It’s just that after all this time, I know what’s worth it and what isn’t. And I’d rather not deal with the aftermath of break-up sex. I don’t want to have the moment of “I know you bust one, and you’re tired but you can’t sleep over.” I don’t want to accidentally fall asleep and have to deal with you in the morning. I don’t want to have my mind start having the “where do we go from here?” questions. I know it’s hard to let go, and now you’re feenin like a crack whore, but a call to tell me your horny will just get a laugh or a “what am I supposed to do with that information?” response. Don’t do it to yourself.
I have more rules, but its 3:13 in the morning, and I ain’t got that kinda time (or word count). Although, honorable mention goes to “calling before you come by.” I know most of you are gonna say, “he shoulda been doing that from JUMP,” but you’d be AMAZED at how people just wanna be sitting in my parking lot. To this day, I scan the parking lot everytime I get home.
What about you folks? Obviously, there are certain things that can’t happen anymore once you’re no longer with someone. Is my list just the ranting of a control freak that wants to call the shots? Go ahead and speak your piece.
I still care homie, I’ll just care from afar
Peace and Love, Nick